Motherhood and the Unspoken Grief That Comes With It
Motherhood is supposed to be a beautiful thing – and it is.
And yet, for so many, being a mother is f*cking hard!
Motherhood is also complex. It’s a constant state of contradictions—joy and grief, excitement and fear, love and loss, beginnings and endings all wrapped up into one.
From the moment a mother conceives a child, her body is changing—followed by, well, the rest of her life in every imaginable way. Forever.
And yet, when we talk about motherhood, we rarely talk about the losses that come with it.
Motherhood Is Change—And Every Change Includes Loss
I think a lot about how change and loss go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. And since motherhood is one of the biggest changes a person can go through, the grief that comes with it deserves just as much acknowledgment as the joy.
Because the truth is: Motherhood is not one singular experience. It’s infinite. It’s unpredictable. And it’s different for every single person.
One thing I’ve learned? Pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting are all just complete wild cards. There’s no way to know how it will be for you. No way to predict what kind of child you’ll have. No way to prepare for the mental, emotional, and physical shifts that come with it. And somehow, mothers are just expected to handle it all—on top of the day-to-day exhaustion of simply being human.
And let’s be real—society does not prepare us well or set us up for success with a lot of it. And on top of it all- mothers are often looked down upon when they want to speak up and be honest about the hard parts.
The Unspoken Losses of Motherhood
1. The Loss of Control
For some people, deciding to have a baby is an easy choice. For others, it’s complicated. The process of conceiving, carrying, and birthing a child is a journey.
For some, pregnancy happens quickly—maybe even too quickly—before they fully felt ready. Others struggle for months or years, riding the rollercoaster of infertility and hope.
No matter what your journey is to motherhood, the experience can be filled with both joy and longing, loss and hope, excitement and fear.
And that’s all before a baby is even born. Not to mention that the birthing experience itself can sometimes feel like a loss of control over your choices, your voice, your body.
The loss of control can wreak havoc on our nervous systems, our bodies, and our mindset. As moms, it is important to acknowledge the toll that this feeling of loss can take.
2. The Grief of Pregnancy Loss
Miscarriage is one of the most common yet least talked about losses.
According to the Mayo Clinic, 10–20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage—but the real number is likely higher, since many miscarriages are unreported or may happen before someone even realizes she is pregnant.
And yet, miscarriage is still treated like a quiet, private grief. Something you are expected to move on from without acknowledgment, support, or space to process.
Even if you do share about your miscarriage experience – you may find that people don’t know what to say. You may find that instead of other holding space for you, you wind up holding space for them.
3. The Loss of the Person You Were Before
Nobody really warns you about how motherhood completely reshapes your identity.
It’s not just about sleepless nights or balancing responsibilities. It’s about waking up one day and realizing that the person you were before? She doesn’t exist anymore.
Even if you love being a mother, even if it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you—that doesn’t erase the grief of losing the version of yourself that was free in ways you didn’t even realize before.
Holding Space for the Complexity of Motherhood
I write all of this not to diminish the beauty of motherhood, but to expand the conversation around it.
Because while motherhood is something to be celebrated, it also means acknowledging the messy, unspoken truths: longing for your own mother, missing your days before becoming a mother, or existing in the in-between spaces of it all.
If you are feeling grief, exhaustion, loss, longing, or something in between today as a mom —I want you to know:
💛 You are not alone.
💛 You are allowed to hold both love and grief at the same time.
💛 Your experience—whatever it is—is valid, real, and worthy of space.
And if you need that space, I invite you to work with me one-on-one.
Because sometimes, the best way to move through grief is simply to let it exist without needing to fix it.
Or, if you want to get free grief support resources and personal notes like this one straight to your email inbox, sign up for my email list here.
With love,
Randi